The mechanic came out into the front room of the service area, he knelt down next to the chair I was sitting in so he was looking straight into my eyes and he said: “… I am sorry, I was the one who worked on your car and I put your family in jeopardy….”
In that moment my anger and frustration completely disappeared. In his bold statement he accomplished a few important things:
- I felt heard
- I felt I was important to him in that context
- I felt that what I said had meaning
You see in any interaction personal or professional we subconsciously need to have the three points above satisfied before we are willing to move from our standpoint. It could be anger, frustration, excitement, happiness, passion about a belief or idea … regardless if you want to master the art of conversation and lead you need to recognize the others point of view.
There are a few techniques that can help here:
- Using affirming body language
- Mirroring their body language
- Paraphrasing what they said
- Using their point of view to leverage where you want to direct the conversation
- Amongst others
At the end of the day if someone does not feel heard, feel like what they are trying to express has meaning and that they are important to others in the conversation they will create walls and blocks to hearing what you have to say – mentally they are wrestling with trying to make their point more effectively.
So stop and listen, acknowledge (this does not mean you are in agreement) and talk with the individual not at them.
In the story above with the mechanic … what would you have done? I had no where to go but up and in agreement with the recommended solution, I could no longer be angry. In responding to my subconscious needs he was able to lead me where he needed me to be … in a crowded service room. For the record … the tire fell off my car after he had worked on it, after I had driven 30 minutes on the highway with my two young children in the car. Upset did not begin to describe how I felt, kudos to John the mechanic for his emotional intelligence and leadership in that situation.